Loss and Betrayal

It's been a mystery to me how a man that I didn't love could literally break my heart. But after the last year and a half of, first my children being stolen, and then a steady barrage of betrayals and loss of loved ones; I realized that I had been broken down so badly by abuse, that I had lost the love of myself. I worked very hard and very long at being a woman and mother that I finally loved and respected. My children, my Jeremy, and I will work very hard at putting back the pieces of what should have been to begin with.

For any readers out there...and for myself.

It Has To Be Said:
An unrepairable fracture resulted in what was a family of four is now two families of three. For my part, it's just me and my two precious children. I'm fighting to keep them close and to shelter them from harm. The continuing posts will be about our struggle to start over and the joy it brings to grow roots in our new home and blossom forth about the world.

I treated a man and his young son to a Costco meal this evening. They are down on their luck, as so many of us are, and it brought joy to my day to share a meal with them.

Driving from Sacramento back to Brentwood, a daily routine now. My eyes just won't stay open and I pull over and take a nap at a trusted stop. I wake up warm and alert, happy that my blanket is so warm and that I thought to bring a pillow yesterday morning. An hour and-a-half drive turns into three but the cool blanket of fog is welcoming just as long as I drive safe and sure. The moon is bright, encircled by two rings, the subtle rainbows whisper and welcome wondering if their beauty is noticed and appreciated. Yes, I'm thankful for the quiet beauty of my favorite lunar guiding light and only wonder for a moment what the double ring-rainbow must mean :-). The fog's gentle fingers release and I'm faced with a cool clear night and a vast, calm, river guiding me home.

I can’t believe how time fly’s. You hear it all the time when you’re younger and always wonder how the endless hours could possibly fly by but then one day in your late 20’s, you’re almost in your late 30’s and not sure at all how it happened. Beautiful children doing miraculous things and all.

Madelyn is officially a school age little girl and not just because she’s going to be a 1^st-grader all too soon. Everyday James and I laugh at her precious personality that’s bubbling to the surface as she collects little pieces of life and puts them on display as she “decorates”. She’s now taken to tearing pictures that she likes, out of magazines. I had totally forgotten that I had a whole binder of porcelain dolls, and pretty plates and things that I had taken out of magazines a long long time ago and it makes me smile to think about this precious little girl doing the same thing. She still has all her pretty baby teeth and I'm cheering for them to stay in as long as possible. I can't keep her a baby but her teeth are sure staying for now, yea!

Christopher went from standing to running and quickly to attacking his big sister faster than we can keep up with. We feel bad but it’s just too funny how our little Billy Boy pushes around Madelyn sometimes. She’ll do something to upset him and not too much later, we hear Madelyn crying because Critter has retaliated. He’s so little to have such a large personality, walking around and making himself heard. His vocalizations are hilarious. He's decided that he doesn't need to talk. Just an occasional oooOOOO, OhHH, or AhhhHH and an increasing number of screams. He pretty much has his own language of sound and we know exactly what he wants. Poor little guy has all of the rest (about 7) of his teeth coming in at the same time still. It seems like they’ve been peeking thru his gums forever.

Sorry, about my lame Christmas cards and lack of birthday wishes. I only got out about a third of the Christmas cards and those weren’t even finished. I’m not so good about keeping in touch lately but James and I exercised today so at least we’re crawling towards our goals. Sadly, Mario Bro. Wii is how I have most of my fun. It is special to play with Madelyn though. It’s fun to see the excitement in her face and to share that time with her. Wednesdays are our Lost night. After Christopher has gone to bed and James to school, we cuddle and watch it together. Madelyn is actually quite into it, which makes it that much more fun to watch. I’m bummed it’s the last season though.

Above: A beautiful day in Capitola at the beach. Christopher is soaking wet after being rolled up the beach by the waves. He loved it until he realized that he was FREEZING! A quick clothes change and he was a happy clam again. Thanks for coming Magz. It was awesome spending some time with you.
Madelyn enjoying one of the many fun trees at our duck pond. We enjoy hand feeding the ducks. A few times I've caught one so the kids could pet their pretty feathers. We're all looking forward to the spring-time ducklings that are so precious to watch.

Madelyn Loves Kindergarten

8/27/09

Madelyn is doing so great in Kindergarten. At first I was concerned about her starting at only 4 years old but she's loving it. She's by far thy youngest kid in her class but that doesn't stop her from telling her teacher(s) how to do their job. Crazy girl. Fortunately she has an awesome teacher that's understanding and the school is really great. Other than having to purchase snacks once a month and buy all the classroom supplies that schools used to pay for, we're really enjoying her school. I love it that they wear uniforms. Makes everything so much easier. Anywho, above are pictures of her first day of school. She was very specific on how she wanted her hair. For those of you who watched Avatar The Last Airbender, she wanted her hair a mix between the firebending princess and Kai Lan (a Mandarin Dora the Explorer). Personally I prefer the curls mom sent me to school in but to each her own. Putting her hair up in buns was much easier anyway. I put her hair up for picture day but it was pretty flat for the pictures.

10/2009

12/4/09

After a very long blogging absence, I finally got around to posting some pictures from our recent and not-so-recent adventures. Below: Labor Day Weekend '09.

Nice slobber Toph.

Around the house. Below: 10/22/09 Toph with his Oopsie Bear. There is his new 5th tooth. Course he's got 7 now (12/13).

Our New "Topher" Vaccum

As those of you who were at Great Grandpa & Grandma's in Kaysville, UT know, Christopher was only scooting himself into corners, under tables and couches. One day about a week and 1/2 ago, he decided that he was tired of being so limited, got up on his knees, and started crawling like he'd been doing it for months. He is now our best vacuum and, of course, mess maker at the same time. Madelyn is doing awesome in school and starts her new hours of 8-2:15 in the beginning of October. Whoa! Long hours for kindergarden but we like her school a lot so far. There are so many spanish speaking kids in her class that are taught in an EL class separately that the student to teacher ratio is really small. Good thing since Madelyn demands lots of attention and doesn't pay attention very well. She's inherited that, "I only talk, not listen" thing that I'm struggling to shake. We're all really looking forward to her birthday, which is proving to be rather large again. James starts school on Tuesday and will be done with all of his pre-requisites for PA school and he's just two recommendations away from finishing his tedious application for PA school. I hope his health gives way to his ambitions. So far he's winning the fight.

Settling In

I'll add some pictures when we get our new 1.5 TB external hard drive hooked up. My pictures are taking up all the memory on my computer so it's kinda hard to add more and edit them. We're quickly getting settled in our apartment in Sunnyvale and are really enjoying the area. It's nice to be so close to so many enjoyable activities plus we live right by the cutest duck pond. Our apartment complex is a wonderful little community all in itself and the weather has been wonderful. James' health seams to be getting better and better and I'm feeling much better as I'm adjusting to everything. The kids are both happy and healthy. Christopher got his first two teeth last week and isn't enjoying that much but it's just so cute. He just fell asleep in his jumper after about 45 min. of laughing and jumping. He loves that thing. Wish Madelyn had enjoyed one when she was little but never took to it. Madelyn and Christopher are still absolutely enthralled with each other and it's fun to see how they grow everyday. Madelyn starts 2 1/2 hour kindergarten in August and 5 hour kindergarten starting October. That'll be exciting and hard I'm sure. We're headed to mom and dad's on Friday for a BBQ and to San Francisco on the 4th. James' sister and niece are coming for a visit at the end of the month and we're all really excited for that.